thursday night.

Thursday Night
We’re dead…
I wish I…were dead.
WE’RE DEAD…
I wish I… were dead…

Chilly Thursday night turns to me. Asks: “What’s goin’ on?”
Cold. Empty. Cold, empty words reverberate inside my heart when they belong in my head!

“We’ve been together three years and all you can say is ‘WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?!’”

Go running.
Where? I don’t know. Doesn’t matter.
Why? Used to be so that when you unbuttoned my shirt, you’d see ‘em: ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX – PACK – ABS!
Go running…
Go running…

Calmest Thursday night.
This is the most peaceful Thursday night I’ve ever seen…
The clouds are placed in evenly spaced pillows…
Bouncing… Bouncing… Bouncing… BOUNCING…

Grab… Chest…
That chest used to be mine, y’know…
I used to know where it was… It was mine…
Now someone else grabs it…
Someone else… grabs it…
GO RUNNING!!!
Where am I running?
DON’T KNOW. KEEP RUNNING.
Run so you can feel the shortness of breath that you felt when she kissed you!
Run so your eyes can dilate like they did when you saw her naked!
Run so you can feel the cramps in your side as when you couldn’t see her!
Run so your heart stops like when she walked in the door in her prom dress!

Grab my chest so as to not let my heart fly away…
Feel the tingle in my arm as if she touched it…
Drop to my knees in order to say:
“Please! Let me in!”
Fall on my back in order to stare…
Up to the stars… So… Calm… So… Peaceful…
Breathe… Watch air move… Breasts rise… Eyes glaze over…
So… Peaceful…
Most lovely Thursday night I’ve ever seen… You’re the most lovely Thursday night I’ve ever seen…

We’re dead…
I wish I… Were dead…
We’re dead…
We’re dead…

I wish I…
Dead…

Naomi

"Naomi"

I shave my body and tell my daughter I wished her mother liked it.
Naomi smiles and rubs my elbow as the laugh we share carries no farther than the ears my mind is chained to.
“Naomi,” I say, “please tell your mother not to forget to pick me up at the station.”
She runs off to find you but gets lost when I turned my head away.
Naomi.
Beautiful Naomi.
Eyes so big you could swim in them… And I have.
I’ve spent hours sitting by that watering hole…
…You would call it daydreaming…
I do it because I was sick of dreaming of you…
Because you always say the same things…
…The same cold, empty things…

I won’t be your martyr any longer…
Your chain on me can always be cut…
…But I still walk that hill…
…Still wear that crown…
My god, I hope you’ll thank me someday.

Hearing small tapping of four-year-old bare feet on kitchen tile.
I open my eyes and there she is again.
“Naomi!”
Happiness…
“Where was your mother? Did she forget?”
Beautiful shrugged her shoulders then kissed my hand for comfort.
…It’s okay. You have a good reason…
In the mirror, I see her in me.
It’s in the corners of my mouth, you see.
The ones you used to call your own before they were abandoned.

I see you in me, and always have…
Every time I looked at myself, I saw what I wanted.
You reside in nothing more than somewhere vague now…
But there you are, and here I am.
I’ll take the thorny crown to make sure you never cry again…

Razor snags hair.
Blood boils over and spills.
There’s Naomi with a tissue for me.
The bleeding stops for now…
As I lay her down to sleep, I kiss her forehead and spell her name with the stars…
When I close my eyes I’m kissing you because I love her so much…
In my eyes, she knows it… Why don’t you?

I pour myself a sake and remember the sound of your breathing.
But there's nothing I can do but wait it out.
I'll do it for you...
Even if you don't for me...

“So, Naomi, make sure your mother remembers me at the station. Because next time I might board the next train on accident and never see you again.”
But I know damn well I couldn’t do that…
Because I need you, and I’m starting to need Naomi more and more everyday.
So, for your sake, grab me my crown
And I’ll place on my head with the blood flowing down my back,
And all will seem well…